Swimming, Strollers, and Sex appeal

Being in the city of culture, I'm determined to show my kids everything I can. I took Ruby to the Rodin Museum and explored the lovely gardens with the best parenting intentions of pointing out prominent statues and stunning works of art. Unfortunately she slept through the whole thing, but it was very peaceful for me. We're off to see the Gorilla exposition at Le Palais de la Decouvertes this weekend, plus there's a Walt Disney exhibit on Snow White at Le Grand Palais to see, and also unpublished naked pictures of Marilyn Monroe at Musee Maillol (on my own I think!), and of course Hot Wheels Monster Trucks is coming in October, an absolute must see of course!
Had our first French swimming experience. Speedoes and swimming caps are ‘obligataire’. What a sight seeing my family in their get-ups; Ruby in her too big red and white cap and goggles with Ariel costume halfway up her bum, Tom unsuccessfully trying to tuck his now very long hair in the cap, Sam fully yobbed up with Pirates of the Caribbean tattoos on both arms. I’ve decided I’m allowed to be exempt from swimming as my huge head of hair certainly would not fit in a cap! The pool we went to was like Cell Block H, with security measures to match. Not hugely enjoyable, so we're off to Aquaboulevard next week, the biggest waterpark in Europe and only 10 minutes away!
We have been told off countless times here for various reasons, the French love to tell you off! Firstly, the nasty bus police on Day 2, then a park warden shouted about kicking a ball on the grass (when there were others doing the same around us??), swimming pool security checking for locks of hair coming out of swimming caps, Ruby climbing trees near Grand Palais, walking on the wrong centimetre of grass!! Living on tenterhooks a bit, and when you don’t always understand the language things are easily misinterpreted, or maybe it’s just a case of regular foreign abuse in a control freak country. I mistakenly got very annoyed with an older lady who I thought was telling me off for something on the bus but she was actually explaining that she was going to hold the door open for me…getting too paranoid!
The kids are a nightmare on the metro, officially. Ruby’s pole dancing is causing a stir, complete with gyrating and tongue licking pole action, and Sam just torments his sister til she screams and steps on other people’s feet, to the delight of the other travellers. They are however, better behaved on the bus…..just.
Our diets seem to consist of gazpacho, apples, baguettes, wine and pistachios (too knackered in the evening to cook most of the time!) Once we’ve mastered the French language we’ll master the French cuisine, but for now this diet combined with all this walking means my thighs are shrinking, hurray! We’re both not in a hurry to join a gym, let’s put it that way. And we’ll be the full French Tarzan and Jane if we don’t find coiffures soon!
It is amazing the different effect pushing a pram has on the sexes; for example, I get far more ‘Bonjour madame’ s when I’m not pushing one, but Tom gets far more sexy smiles when he is pushing one. He’s even gone so far as to get me to put Ruby’s hair up all cutesy because he gets more attention that way – the nerve!!!
Saving grace – have not stepped in merde du chien as of yet.
What we’re missing – cheddar cheese (tres expensive!), mashed potatoes (cannot find a masher anywhere! Have only seen instant mash in grocery store), and surprisingly, NOT telly. Have attempted watching ER in French, but it’s confusing enough in English, I couldn’t handle the already hectic dialogue in French.